The Leech

Although not a type of fish, leeches can be used as bait to catch a variety of amazing fishies. When one thinks of a leech they may think along the lines of gross, dirty, and disgusting. A Leech is definitely portrayed in a negative light and to be compared to a worm that sucks the life out of its prey is not a compliment.

There is actually a practice named after the leech titled "Leeching." This practice can be traced back to ancient India and Greece and has carried into modern times where doctors have used Leeching to remove blood from their patients. Another fun fact, leeches are considered hermaphrodites meaning they have both male and female reproductive organs. First of all, I am pretty sure my POF profile does not state I needed any sort of Leeching, and secondly as soon as my Leech dismounted his motorcycle, which was so sexy, then took off his helmet I thought "hmm boy or girl?" God he should have kept that helmet on.

Quick side comment/outburst
WHY THE HELL DON'T ANY OF THESE GUYS LOOK LIKE THEIR PHOTOS!!!!!! FUCK!!!!! WHAT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE A 6'2 BUFF SEXY, SCRUFFY, MCDREAMY REPLICA TURNED OUT TO BE A 5'10, SQUEAKY VOICED HE-SHE!

 OK lets start and not pass go/not collect a free dinner.

1. The dismount
 Motorcycle=sexy, Motorcycle gear=sexy, Military backpack=red flag, Removal of motorcycle gear=fuck, quickly think of ideas to get out of this.
2. No point of return
Being the safety first kinda gal I am, I provided my leech with my address so we could make a home cooked meal in my awesome kitchen. After my roomy and I had the Costco shopping experience of our lives, we had more than enough food and the leech didn't seem like he was willing to provide me with a free dinner date. The second he opened his mouth to introduce himself I seriously wanted to ask if he was a 10 year girl old trapped in a 25 year old mans body. Second question, which I actually did share aloud was "so there are a TON of bars around here lets grab a drink and some food out!?" AKA I needed to get drunk. Well boys and girls, don't let that little boy voice fool you! This boy was very forward and replied, "No, I drove allll the way here lets stay in." Shit.
3.Stranger in kitchen with sharp utensils.
Right away I open a bottle of wine and told him he can't have any because I don't allow people to drink and drive in my apartment. HA I had to go to rehearsal later that evening. I fill my glass to the brim and we sit and talk about shit you always talk about on first encounters so I wont bore you with that. Second Glass- The leech has already asked to use my computer/look through my photos on my phone/help himself to the TV remote and eat a parfait in my fridge (ok parfait? Out of everything we had? I was definitely questioning his sexuality and failed to mention those expired 3 months ago and were NOT part of the Costco trip).
4. The lie that rehearsal started at 7pm instead of 8:30, oops we need to start dinner so you can leave,     move.
"Hey my director just called I have to leave here in a hour so we need to start dinner now I am so sorry!"
We start dinner. I plug in my Ipod, he had the nerve to remove mine and put in his and it took all I had to not stab him with the kitchen knife I was holding. Rushing to get this over with I handed him the knife and directed him to cut vegies. Yes I am an idiot. My back is turned, I am sipping my 3rd glass of wine, which spills due to the ear piercing "HIIIIIYAAAAAHH" Bruce Lee noise. Every fucking time that knife cut ANYTHING he made that noise. I filled my glass locked myself in my room and chugged until I felt strong enough to handle the life size Leech pretending to be Bruce Lee in my kitchen.
5.Roommate Ecounter
Lilly!!!!! Thank GOD! As I heard her car pull up I knew I was saved. I opened the blinds and made a face that probably looked as if I was constipated, but she knew it meant help. She walks in with the confidence of a 5th grade school teacher who teaches Mexicans from TJ in the Ghetto (oh wait....) and screams "HELLLLLOOOO." I jump on her and tell her how much I missed her throughout my day and we acted like crazy lesbos the rest of the night. We all sit down to eat and Lilly and I direct the conversation to where it did not involve Leech Man at all, but every 5 minutes I informed him he had to leave soon.
Keep in mind Lilly is sitting spread eagle like a male truck driver on the couch, I am drinking glass 5 and Leech is sipping on a juice.
6. THE Comment of the night
"Oh Lilly, may I borrow your shoes tomorrow? I have this Safari party to attend with all these male surfer models and need to look banging!"
"OMG! Yes! Of course you can! Can you also bring one home for me? Or we can share it's fine."
(Leech looking a bit afraid of our obnoxiousness. Yes...It's working. )
"Lilly you know we share everything! Oh! speaking of sharing I need my vibrator back, hope you liked it."
(Leech starting to get antsy with discomfort)
"Oh ya! It was great! Hey Leech, not only are we the same shoe size we are also the same D size! (as she thrusts her hips and karate chops her pelvic region)."
What I love about Lilly, she is sweet, innocent, obnoxious and vulgar all at the same time. It is actually truly frightening she works with kids on a daily basis. We truly are a match made in heaven.
7.The Exit
I vaguely remember how this all ended, but with some help from Lilly it all came back. After basically having to drag the Leech out by his ears, he FINALLY left. I walked him out, wait stumbled him out, and hesitantly hugged him goodbye. Ran back, wait tripped and fell then stumbled back, to the apartment in relief that it was alllll over.
5 minutes later a text message switched my mood instantly.
"Hey my bike broke down by the V Outlet. Can I crash at your place tonight?"
WHAT THE FUCK! I just met you, you eat my food, change my music, use my things and now your bike broke down in the complete opposite side of the freeway entrance? I don't think so! So we did what any normal pair of roommates would do. We went into stalk mode and drove to see if he really broke down. Sure as hell, there he is sitting stupidly cross legged in front of the V outlet (Ha V outlet). We drove around and back to our house and I texted him stating that he was crey crey and I just met him and in no way was he staying in my house where there are multiple ways to murder me.
Well, The Leech was left stranded and I felt like a complete bitch... Until he texted me the very next morning "hey love, want to hang out today."
"No. No I do not...you are literally sucking the life out of me and I have a dildo to get home to so Lilly can use it later..."

B~