The Leech

Although not a type of fish, leeches can be used as bait to catch a variety of amazing fishies. When one thinks of a leech they may think along the lines of gross, dirty, and disgusting. A Leech is definitely portrayed in a negative light and to be compared to a worm that sucks the life out of its prey is not a compliment.

There is actually a practice named after the leech titled "Leeching." This practice can be traced back to ancient India and Greece and has carried into modern times where doctors have used Leeching to remove blood from their patients. Another fun fact, leeches are considered hermaphrodites meaning they have both male and female reproductive organs. First of all, I am pretty sure my POF profile does not state I needed any sort of Leeching, and secondly as soon as my Leech dismounted his motorcycle, which was so sexy, then took off his helmet I thought "hmm boy or girl?" God he should have kept that helmet on.

Quick side comment/outburst
WHY THE HELL DON'T ANY OF THESE GUYS LOOK LIKE THEIR PHOTOS!!!!!! FUCK!!!!! WHAT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE A 6'2 BUFF SEXY, SCRUFFY, MCDREAMY REPLICA TURNED OUT TO BE A 5'10, SQUEAKY VOICED HE-SHE!

 OK lets start and not pass go/not collect a free dinner.

1. The dismount
 Motorcycle=sexy, Motorcycle gear=sexy, Military backpack=red flag, Removal of motorcycle gear=fuck, quickly think of ideas to get out of this.
2. No point of return
Being the safety first kinda gal I am, I provided my leech with my address so we could make a home cooked meal in my awesome kitchen. After my roomy and I had the Costco shopping experience of our lives, we had more than enough food and the leech didn't seem like he was willing to provide me with a free dinner date. The second he opened his mouth to introduce himself I seriously wanted to ask if he was a 10 year girl old trapped in a 25 year old mans body. Second question, which I actually did share aloud was "so there are a TON of bars around here lets grab a drink and some food out!?" AKA I needed to get drunk. Well boys and girls, don't let that little boy voice fool you! This boy was very forward and replied, "No, I drove allll the way here lets stay in." Shit.
3.Stranger in kitchen with sharp utensils.
Right away I open a bottle of wine and told him he can't have any because I don't allow people to drink and drive in my apartment. HA I had to go to rehearsal later that evening. I fill my glass to the brim and we sit and talk about shit you always talk about on first encounters so I wont bore you with that. Second Glass- The leech has already asked to use my computer/look through my photos on my phone/help himself to the TV remote and eat a parfait in my fridge (ok parfait? Out of everything we had? I was definitely questioning his sexuality and failed to mention those expired 3 months ago and were NOT part of the Costco trip).
4. The lie that rehearsal started at 7pm instead of 8:30, oops we need to start dinner so you can leave,     move.
"Hey my director just called I have to leave here in a hour so we need to start dinner now I am so sorry!"
We start dinner. I plug in my Ipod, he had the nerve to remove mine and put in his and it took all I had to not stab him with the kitchen knife I was holding. Rushing to get this over with I handed him the knife and directed him to cut vegies. Yes I am an idiot. My back is turned, I am sipping my 3rd glass of wine, which spills due to the ear piercing "HIIIIIYAAAAAHH" Bruce Lee noise. Every fucking time that knife cut ANYTHING he made that noise. I filled my glass locked myself in my room and chugged until I felt strong enough to handle the life size Leech pretending to be Bruce Lee in my kitchen.
5.Roommate Ecounter
Lilly!!!!! Thank GOD! As I heard her car pull up I knew I was saved. I opened the blinds and made a face that probably looked as if I was constipated, but she knew it meant help. She walks in with the confidence of a 5th grade school teacher who teaches Mexicans from TJ in the Ghetto (oh wait....) and screams "HELLLLLOOOO." I jump on her and tell her how much I missed her throughout my day and we acted like crazy lesbos the rest of the night. We all sit down to eat and Lilly and I direct the conversation to where it did not involve Leech Man at all, but every 5 minutes I informed him he had to leave soon.
Keep in mind Lilly is sitting spread eagle like a male truck driver on the couch, I am drinking glass 5 and Leech is sipping on a juice.
6. THE Comment of the night
"Oh Lilly, may I borrow your shoes tomorrow? I have this Safari party to attend with all these male surfer models and need to look banging!"
"OMG! Yes! Of course you can! Can you also bring one home for me? Or we can share it's fine."
(Leech looking a bit afraid of our obnoxiousness. Yes...It's working. )
"Lilly you know we share everything! Oh! speaking of sharing I need my vibrator back, hope you liked it."
(Leech starting to get antsy with discomfort)
"Oh ya! It was great! Hey Leech, not only are we the same shoe size we are also the same D size! (as she thrusts her hips and karate chops her pelvic region)."
What I love about Lilly, she is sweet, innocent, obnoxious and vulgar all at the same time. It is actually truly frightening she works with kids on a daily basis. We truly are a match made in heaven.
7.The Exit
I vaguely remember how this all ended, but with some help from Lilly it all came back. After basically having to drag the Leech out by his ears, he FINALLY left. I walked him out, wait stumbled him out, and hesitantly hugged him goodbye. Ran back, wait tripped and fell then stumbled back, to the apartment in relief that it was alllll over.
5 minutes later a text message switched my mood instantly.
"Hey my bike broke down by the V Outlet. Can I crash at your place tonight?"
WHAT THE FUCK! I just met you, you eat my food, change my music, use my things and now your bike broke down in the complete opposite side of the freeway entrance? I don't think so! So we did what any normal pair of roommates would do. We went into stalk mode and drove to see if he really broke down. Sure as hell, there he is sitting stupidly cross legged in front of the V outlet (Ha V outlet). We drove around and back to our house and I texted him stating that he was crey crey and I just met him and in no way was he staying in my house where there are multiple ways to murder me.
Well, The Leech was left stranded and I felt like a complete bitch... Until he texted me the very next morning "hey love, want to hang out today."
"No. No I do not...you are literally sucking the life out of me and I have a dildo to get home to so Lilly can use it later..."

B~

Whale Shark

Yes I said Whale Shark. The biggest fish in the world! While my Whale Shark's penis may not have been bigger than my pinky finger his muscles were the biggest at the community pool that sunny summer-like Friday afternoon.

The Whale Shark IS the largest fish in the world, yes it is a fish. Although one looks like it could eat a human being whole, their large mouth is only used to feed on microscopic plants and animals (although one was found eating a school of fish recently!). The Whale Shark is NOT an efficient swimmer and swims up to speeds of a whopping 3MPH. I am pretty sure if I threw homeboy in the community pool that day he would only sink. The enormous size of this fish alone scares off prey for they are often mistaken for sharks. 

It's comical to read articles on why people use steroids and the most common reason is because they feel inferior to others in society. To put it simply, all they want to do is look bad ass (like a whale shark). Besides the veins that were protruding from my very own Whale Sharks neck and arms, he looked pretty bad ass. I honestly think the average male would fear him  and the average female would fear his lack of performance in bedroom. People on steroids often experience "roid rage," which I am almost positive the poor Whale Shark was experiencing when he ate the school of fish:( Muscles in a human being may also go into spasms and cause often twitches and bursts of energy. Ok here we go! 

I as parked in guest parking at this beautiful apartment complex in Mission Valley I was greeted by a very large man with flailing arms that stopped half way up because his neck was too big. Now close your eyes and imagine a bird flying on a very windy day all by itself unable to move any amount of distance, but flapping like crazy. Now imagine a whale shark....yes that's it, that's what I was greeted by. As we made our way to the lawn chairs I noticed large acne like spots all over his muscly bod and not only wondered if that was a side effect of roids (which it is) but also was wondering if there was a species known as the Leopard Whale Shark. OK moving on.

We laid in the long chairs and he cracked open some beers and I thought to myself "yup, this is the life." Then I looked to the right of me and realized it actually could be better. His voice was VERY deep and he mumbled a lot so I only caught a few uninteresting details from this boy and I was more focused on laying just the right way to make my abs looked majestic. He said something about being in the Navy (figures) then something about how he doesn't party much (as we are drinking beers and he texted me wasted the night before). Maybe he mentioned his mom and possibly his job, but I honestly couldn't tell you what he does other than attend/type his way through the University of Pheonix. What I did hear him say was that he did not even live at the complex and he "borrowed" his buddies key to get into the pool. SCORE! The only thing you had going for you is fake just like your superhero body! Conversation did not continue since I wasn't doing any of the talking but, I was enjoying the sun and my Miller Light.

He kept talking I kept drinking and trying not to laugh at his crazy hand motions/twitches as he told stories I wasn't listening to. Did I tell you he had the largest gap in his front teeth? O my! As if nothing else was distracting you throw that at me!!! My Whale Shark did say one thing that made this whole waste of sunlight (well beside my tan) worth it. "Well you know, I am just like a big fish in a small pond." Ya you are buddy and you should upgrade. How about the Gulf of Mexico with the other Whale Sharks? Oh wait wasn't there that big oil spill? Ok you can stay at your buddies community pool. 

B~

PS. I read in Chelsea Lately the other night that use of names and pictures could get one sued soooo I am just going to stick to the pictures of fish :)

The Blow Fish

So I have decided to to stray away from using actual names and relating each of the men to different species of fish. Sorry Brian, this idea occurred to me after my first post;). Relating these men to fish is relevant to the theme of this blog yet not degrading like giving women stripper names ( mine is Candy Lixxx). OK, Brian congratulations you are my Blow Fish!

The Blowfish can be classified as evil, poisonous, slow and slightly retarded. They range from small to medium in size (in my case I caught a small one) and can be found all over the world ...just like cocaine! Cocaine has the tendency to make one believe they can conquer the world, stay up all night and do push ups, while the Blowfish swells up its tummy to make itself feel more powerful and also invincible. My Blowfish clearly loved push ups by his arms to head ratio and had this weird obsession with wiping his nose. And so we begin.
I was off work by 8:45 and ready for Taco Tuesday by 10pm. I decided to play it safe and drive to the bar alone to meet Mr. Blow and his hideous friend who does not even get a species of fish. To my relief one of my old co-workers (who is sexy as hell) was at the bar so he was my red life alert button (too bad i couldn't wear him around my neck like they show in the commercials). I sat down and did not offer to by myself a beer, introduced myself and screamed "lets drink!" That's when homeboy figured out I wasn't paying for shit that night.
After quite a few drinks my life line left and my best friend Addison called to invite us all to Typhoons, which sounded like a horrible idea, but we went anyways. We show up, do not wait in line (I don't do lines) and that's when Blow handed Addison his credit card and stated he needed to use the restroom. SCORE! Shots on Addison! After running up his tab to a number I am embarrassed to share ($200+) he returned to fetch his card.

Ok people lets pause for a second...He was gone for a half hour. Either he had to take a shit, accidentally stood in the girls line or did a few lines.What do you think...

Ok its small but you get the Picture

We made our way to the dance floor satisfied with our BAC and on a mission to ditch the boys. I knew they weren't gone when I could constantly hear Blow sniffling in my ear so I did what any girl would do to not draw attention...jumped on the pole and put on a show. As a school of black fish gawked and hollered at me I figured the unwanted attention by every penis would turn Blow off. Nope Wrong again.
Bar time was finally called so we all stumbled out with Mr. Sniffles and all. Since they were stage 5 clingers and their noses weren't bleeding yet, we decided to at least get a drunken hott dog out of them. Mission accomplished...I am eating my dog in the most unattractive way possible as Addison has managed to get behind the stand, steal the tongs and scream "Get your wieners!!"At every pedestrian. You may be able to tell we hate attention. Finally I decided to call it a night pee on a bus that was parked and make my way home. Shout out to the bum who lives in the ally on Haines, you know it was the best ass you have every seen!
After saying our goodbyes and scoring an unbelievable horrible make out session with Blowfish I called my ex. We all know why I did that ;)

Just so everyone knows Lilly, my beautiful amazing, responsible roomy decided to stay in that night. She WAS NOT passed drunk and DOES NOT need professional help ;)
B~

It's Just Fish

Hello world, Brooke Lynn Harper here! Welcome to my little game and sequence of events that will most likely cause me to have a shit load of enemies. After a weekend full of a few alcoholic beverages, good friends and one HUGE douche from Texas tears turned to revenge and a life changing adventure I am about to pursue.
Here is a little background information to get us acquainted. I am a 23 year old, 5'11, brunette chick living in the skanky city of Pacific Beach, San Diego. Although not perfect I am definitely above average and have no problem attracting men/boys. I have had my share of amazing relationships, however I have this issue with staying in them (thanks dad, I am blaming this on you, ps. your an idiot for leaving mom). Making a living as a contemporary ballet dancer does not make me rich, but keeps this bod bangin'! Let me make one thing clear, I have a huge heart, great friends and an amazing family who I love very much (hi sissy!), just so you know I am not a complete bitch.
Ok, lets backtrack to Texas douche. Oh I don't know, lets call him Josh! Josh flies all the way from Texas to see little ol' me and my idiotic girly ways keep thinking "he could be the one." Long story short he gets wasted, spits on me, kicks in my car door and calls me all the degrading names in the book ALL because I was over served at the bar and fell asleep while he was taking care of douche #2 outside because homeboy couldn't handle his liquor. 5am I find my self balling in my best friends ally way because I literally thought this asshole was going to knife me (shout out to my roomy who was so drunk she passed out and did not hear a thing).
This event led me to mimosas and day drinking for the rest of the weekend/Monday and my bank account led me to needing a date to buy me dinner so I could stay alive. This is when a little account on one of the worlds most popular dating websites changed my life. Plenty of Fish. com AKA POF. After one picture was posted (mind you I used instagram to make myself look way hotter) I had over 20 messages from attractive and some not so attractive men all over the city. SCORE! I will never have to grocery shop again!
Ladies and Gents, I will be dating men, taking photos and blogging about all these dates, the ups and downs, the drunken nights, hott make out sessions etc. Tucker Max watch your back...here comes the game changer. Tomorrow drinks with Brian... What can I say...Girls just want to have fun!!!
(because I am not a huge whore I would like to share that I will NOT be having sex with any of these men, but only god and my nana will know if I actually stick to that promise)
Always B~